.

I must say something... Chris is gone... He was once the only reason why I turned on my computer every night. And now he left the world... Forever. And I can't think of anything beautiful to say in his honor. I'm all emptied out, numb with pain... Just looking for somebody to blame, trying to find the other hand, apart from his suicidal one, to spit my wrath on.

The questions haunt me and fall like leaves from my head as they rot without answers. No. I don't want him to rest in peace. I just want him back. I don't want to sing songs in his memory or pray for his soul. I just want my kid back. So we can argue about Hanna Montana and have kiss battles... He was... He was holding my hand to help me overcome my fear. Why didn't he reach out for me and asked me for help? Just left...

And I... I don't want to hang in there and then look back after some time and say that I made it... I wanna stay right fucking here... And cry and hate myself for the last thing I told him... And scream until I bring him back... And write ten thousand notes saying "Good Night emo baby. Sweet Dreams"...

Death is taking so much from me... Is not playing fair. Tomorrow won't be a brighter day, there's no light at the end. I'm stuck in here. Can't go out and face the world. It's too ugly. I'm too ugly. Why do I have to go and make my life worthwhile? It doesn't make any sense. Why? Because.... I guess... IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LIVE. YOU WILL ALWAYS DIE....

And maybe I'll keep on breathing and eating and getting sting by bees. But I just died...